**.. 2 years ago today ..**

Two years ago today one of the greatest men ever was taken away to be with his wife, my grandma and one of the greatest women ever.  Gosh I feel like it's been so much longer than that and I don't know why, because at the same time I feel like it was JUST yesterday.  I think about both of them often and I would give anything to spend just one more day with them.  I wrote this post two months after he passed away on my old blog and I would like to share it with you again today.      

MONDAY, APRIL 27, 2009

Grandpa Jim **

About 2 months ago, on Wednesday February 25th, around midnight, my grandpa Jim (my mom's dad) was taken to Lutheran Hospital by an ambulance.

The following day, I received a call from my dad .. telling me what had happened the night before and that my grandpa was not doing so great .. I may want to come up that day and see him. I told my dad that I would be there after classes that day, I had an accounting test that I needed to take.

Around 3:00 my sister Alex called me. She informed me that grandpa Jim was doing worse and she was headed up to see him right then. So, I met her at Lutheran (and had my friend Angie tell my professor that I would not be there for the test).

We got there at the same time and walked into a completely somber room .. together.

In the room was my mom (daughter), dad, aunt Lisa (daughter), aunt Karen (daughter), uncle Eric, aunt Roselyn, uncle Jim(son), and uncle Tone (son). My aunt Amy was in the hallway, we had passed her on our way in, she was on the phone with my aunt Deb (daughter), in Texas.

My grandpa just laid in the hospital bed, he could no longer speak and barely moved at all.

After being there for a little while .. (not sure of times, it is still a big blur) and nurses coming in and out checking his vitals .. my grandpa opened his eyes .. which he had not done yet .. and began shaking ..

Now, I had never seen a seizure before, but I was pretty sure that's what was happening (it was). We got a nurse to come in and she put something in his IV to prevent him from having any more seizures.

Let me tell you, I come from a fairly strong family.

I have only seen my mom cry, maybe 3 times in my whole life. And one of those times was when her mother, Ruth, passed from colon cancer .. more about that some other day. My dad has been coming and going overseas with the Air National Guard, since 2 weeks after I was born and even before they were married, and she never shows/showed any negative emotion. Same with the rest of my family, the only time I have seen them sad was when my grandma Ruth, their mom, passed.

And there was not a dry eye in the room.

Before my sister and I left that night, around 9:00, we both went up to my grandpa and held his hands. They were incredibly warm, actually they were incredibly hot. But we sat there and took turns talking to him and trying ease the tension and moods for my mom and her sisters. (Everyone else had either gone home to be with their children or went to get something to eat at the cafeteria). We both said good bye and kissed him good night on the forehead.

This was the 26th of February and my lease was up on the 28th. So, I was in the process of moving all my things over these couple days.

On Friday, the 27th, I went up to the hospital around noon. I was there for about 3 or 4 hours and I told everyone I would be back later that evening, I had some moving to get done. I kissed my grandpa Jim on the forehead and said good bye. Then took a load of my stuff to my new house, went back to my apartment and filled my car up again.

On my way over to my house again, at 7:15, I got the worst call of my life. It was my brother Jack ..

Jack: Kaiti, grandpa's dying, I got to go.

Me: Wait, what?

Jack: He's dying right now, we are on the way to the hospital.

Me: Okay, I will meet you there.

I took off like a bat out of hell in the opposite direction, to Lutheran Hospital. Of course, I got stuck behind slow drivers, but everything happens for a reason.

I called my Alex immediately and let her know what was going on (she was at Austin's, her boyfriends last basketball game). She asked me if she should come up, I told her it was up to her. He would probably already be gone by the time she made it out there and she didn't want to see him how we had the day before.

I got to the hospital and ran up to the room. And there stood my mom, hunched over the hospital bed, staring at him and crying, and saying that it was not fair.

(My mom had been at the hospital since Wednesday night and had left at 6:30 to go home and shower, change her clothes and come back up for the night and next however long. All her sisters and brothers had taken their turns going home and doing the same. Granite my uncle Jim was at his sons basketball game, but everyone else was there when he passed. She got the call not 2 seconds after she got home, walked in the door and put her purse down. My dad had lit candles for her and drew her a hot bath, so she could hopefully relax and take her mind off things for a bit. So they blew the candles out and took off, back to the hospital.)

Jack was the only one there who was younger than me, and Jessica was the only other grand kid up there at the time. She is 3 years older than me. The rest was my aunts and uncles, my aunt Deb was on the phone.

We all just sat there in disbelief, most of us cried. My dad tried to ease the tension, by talking about what a wonderful person my grandpa Jim was.

It was quite possibly one of the worst nights of my life.

So, today marks 2 months, since he has been gone, and I still feel like I am in a horrible dream, that will not stop.

I think about him every single day and usually cry about the memories a couple times a week. People say I just need to accept it and move on, but I am not sure just how I am supposed to do that.

My grandpa Jim, was one of the strongest people I knew. And with that, we were are not a family to ever really hug or say I love you. But when I went to see him I always gave him a hug good bye and very seldom said I love you.

I sent him cards, on every holiday, baked him desserts, and spent as much time with him as I could .. whenever I did not have something 'better' to do. And let me tell you that is not easy to type, but it is the truth. I regret nothing more then being too 'busy' to go spend time with him.

I love you grandpa .. and I will never forget you .. ever.

** .. it's been 5 years today .. **

In 1998, I was in the fourth grade.  I had been at a girl scout meeting after school, my dad came and picked me up and said that my mom had something to tell me when I got home.  I went straight to my room to start working on my homework and wait for her to come talk to me.  I remember I was sitting in one of those blue inflatable chairs when my mom came in.  She asked me about my day then said, "Kaitlin, do you know what cancer is?"  It caught me off guard but I drudged through an answer and she said, "Yes, that is correct.  They think that grandma Ruth has colon cancer."  I immediately started to cry and assumed that my grandma was dying that week.  We talked a little bit more and she told me not to talk about it at school because my other cousins might not know and it just wasn't something they wanted going around so quickly.  (My grandma didn't like for people to talk about her.  She pretty much kept to herself.)

She went through chemotherapy and radiation and treatments and all kinds of other things.  Tons and tons of appointments and meetings.  It was just never ending.  The next couple years are hazy as far as doctor's appointments and treatments.  I know she beat the cancer at least once, maybe twice.  As soon as she beat it another form would come on and it would be worse than the first time.  She lost her hair and wore wigs, but remained beautiful through it all. 

In the Fall of 2005 my grandma got pretty bad.  We decided to get a family picture taken.  I don't have a copy on my computer, but it was gorgeous.  There was my grandma and grandpa, all 6 kids and thier spouses, and all 22 grandchildren and 1 great grand child.  We all wore jeans and white shirts it was so neat!  November 7th grandma turned 68 and her kids and their spouses threw a surprise birthday party dinner for her in THEIR basement, becasue she couldn't really get out.  They had food catered in and I heard it was just awesome.  

By this time all she wanted was to make it through the holidays and she did just that.  On Christmas Eve she sat in her chair with swollen ankles and patchy hair and she watched us open gifts, then opened her own and we all sat around and hung out.  She was happy but in pain and everyone could tell.  Around NewYear's she started to get really bad.  We all took turns going to visit her individually and to say good bye.  

I was 17 years old and had never lost anyone close to me before.  I was afraid to go over there alone (not because she was a scary person .. I was afraid of losing her).  I asked my brother who was 8 to come with me.  Before we left to go over there,

Jack asked my dad, "What do I say to her?" 

Dad said, "She is your grandma, just say what ever comes to your mind.  You can begin with, "Grandma I know you are sick and the cancer is taking over your body.  You are going to a better place soon and I will miss you."  

Jack said okay and we got in my '97 red cavalier and made the 2 minute drive to my grandparents house.    We got there and everyone was gone, as we had planend out when people could have their alone time.  We walked in through the garage and into the living room.  

She was sitting in her rocking chair all alone.  I didn't get the door shut and I was crying like a baby.  I stood by the door and turned around.  She said "Oh Kaiti, it's okay, come in here."  

Jack went straight over to her, stood by her chair and said, "Grandma I know you are sick and the cancer is taking over your body.  You are going to a better place soon and I will miss you." (Exactly what dad said)  It was quite possibly one of the saddest momements of my life.  

She responded with something sweet, I can't remember because I was too busy crying.  Then she said to me, "Kaiti look at it outside, it's rainy and gloomy and the sun hasn't been out for days.  I am ready to go.  I know that I am going to a better place and I am ready for that.  I'm sick and tired and ready to go."  I just sat there and cried and cried.  I went on about how unfair it was that it was her time.  She was too young to die (68) and to have been through all of this crap.  

She was ready though, her time here was complete.   She had impacted people's lives in incredible ways.  She was a wise, strong woman, who worked hard her whole life, she was married for 48 years, had 6 wonderful kids all married to wonderful people, with 22 grandchildren and 1 great grand child.  She was thrilled with all she had been given.  

We sat there for an hour or so and watched football (the Bengals).  We left and I gave my grandma a hug and kiss goodbye (which we typically did not do, that's just how that side of the family works).  The next couple of days I skipped my intership to spend the afternoons at their house with family and friends.  At some point during the week she was moved to a hospital bed in a bedroom (she didn't want to be in the living room for everyone to see her).  

On Friday afternoon I went there straight after school and so did Alex.  Alex was leaving for Florida in an hour and wanted to say goodbye.  My dad brought her over and they left and my mom had just left to go to work.  Jessica (my cousin) and I were sitting in her room reminiscing when grandma started to breath very slow, deep breaths.  Jessica said the hospice nurse mentioned that when she was breathing like that it meant the end was near.  So we got up and went into the living room where Jessica's mom, two sisters and my grandpa were.  She said something to my aunt and we all went back there and in those 2 minutes she had gone to Heaven.  

It's been 5 years today.  Not a day goes by that I don't think about this wonderful woman.  Grandma Ruth, you were truly an inspiration and I would give anything to be the woman you were.  I love you.

My mom, my great grandma, my grandma Ruth and me.

(not a great picture but 4 genertaions!)