** .. it's been 5 years today .. **

In 1998, I was in the fourth grade.  I had been at a girl scout meeting after school, my dad came and picked me up and said that my mom had something to tell me when I got home.  I went straight to my room to start working on my homework and wait for her to come talk to me.  I remember I was sitting in one of those blue inflatable chairs when my mom came in.  She asked me about my day then said, "Kaitlin, do you know what cancer is?"  It caught me off guard but I drudged through an answer and she said, "Yes, that is correct.  They think that grandma Ruth has colon cancer."  I immediately started to cry and assumed that my grandma was dying that week.  We talked a little bit more and she told me not to talk about it at school because my other cousins might not know and it just wasn't something they wanted going around so quickly.  (My grandma didn't like for people to talk about her.  She pretty much kept to herself.)

She went through chemotherapy and radiation and treatments and all kinds of other things.  Tons and tons of appointments and meetings.  It was just never ending.  The next couple years are hazy as far as doctor's appointments and treatments.  I know she beat the cancer at least once, maybe twice.  As soon as she beat it another form would come on and it would be worse than the first time.  She lost her hair and wore wigs, but remained beautiful through it all. 

In the Fall of 2005 my grandma got pretty bad.  We decided to get a family picture taken.  I don't have a copy on my computer, but it was gorgeous.  There was my grandma and grandpa, all 6 kids and thier spouses, and all 22 grandchildren and 1 great grand child.  We all wore jeans and white shirts it was so neat!  November 7th grandma turned 68 and her kids and their spouses threw a surprise birthday party dinner for her in THEIR basement, becasue she couldn't really get out.  They had food catered in and I heard it was just awesome.  

By this time all she wanted was to make it through the holidays and she did just that.  On Christmas Eve she sat in her chair with swollen ankles and patchy hair and she watched us open gifts, then opened her own and we all sat around and hung out.  She was happy but in pain and everyone could tell.  Around NewYear's she started to get really bad.  We all took turns going to visit her individually and to say good bye.  

I was 17 years old and had never lost anyone close to me before.  I was afraid to go over there alone (not because she was a scary person .. I was afraid of losing her).  I asked my brother who was 8 to come with me.  Before we left to go over there,

Jack asked my dad, "What do I say to her?" 

Dad said, "She is your grandma, just say what ever comes to your mind.  You can begin with, "Grandma I know you are sick and the cancer is taking over your body.  You are going to a better place soon and I will miss you."  

Jack said okay and we got in my '97 red cavalier and made the 2 minute drive to my grandparents house.    We got there and everyone was gone, as we had planend out when people could have their alone time.  We walked in through the garage and into the living room.  

She was sitting in her rocking chair all alone.  I didn't get the door shut and I was crying like a baby.  I stood by the door and turned around.  She said "Oh Kaiti, it's okay, come in here."  

Jack went straight over to her, stood by her chair and said, "Grandma I know you are sick and the cancer is taking over your body.  You are going to a better place soon and I will miss you." (Exactly what dad said)  It was quite possibly one of the saddest momements of my life.  

She responded with something sweet, I can't remember because I was too busy crying.  Then she said to me, "Kaiti look at it outside, it's rainy and gloomy and the sun hasn't been out for days.  I am ready to go.  I know that I am going to a better place and I am ready for that.  I'm sick and tired and ready to go."  I just sat there and cried and cried.  I went on about how unfair it was that it was her time.  She was too young to die (68) and to have been through all of this crap.  

She was ready though, her time here was complete.   She had impacted people's lives in incredible ways.  She was a wise, strong woman, who worked hard her whole life, she was married for 48 years, had 6 wonderful kids all married to wonderful people, with 22 grandchildren and 1 great grand child.  She was thrilled with all she had been given.  

We sat there for an hour or so and watched football (the Bengals).  We left and I gave my grandma a hug and kiss goodbye (which we typically did not do, that's just how that side of the family works).  The next couple of days I skipped my intership to spend the afternoons at their house with family and friends.  At some point during the week she was moved to a hospital bed in a bedroom (she didn't want to be in the living room for everyone to see her).  

On Friday afternoon I went there straight after school and so did Alex.  Alex was leaving for Florida in an hour and wanted to say goodbye.  My dad brought her over and they left and my mom had just left to go to work.  Jessica (my cousin) and I were sitting in her room reminiscing when grandma started to breath very slow, deep breaths.  Jessica said the hospice nurse mentioned that when she was breathing like that it meant the end was near.  So we got up and went into the living room where Jessica's mom, two sisters and my grandpa were.  She said something to my aunt and we all went back there and in those 2 minutes she had gone to Heaven.  

It's been 5 years today.  Not a day goes by that I don't think about this wonderful woman.  Grandma Ruth, you were truly an inspiration and I would give anything to be the woman you were.  I love you.

My mom, my great grandma, my grandma Ruth and me.

(not a great picture but 4 genertaions!)