**.. dreaming ..**

I woke up this morning sobbing, not something that happens everyday.  Before I begin I should say that I have a horrible fear of losing my parents.  Probably because of everything going on with my dad and this traumatic brain injury.

I was having a dream about my dad flying a jet.  (He is in the Air Force but he is in avionics, not flying so that was kind of weird.)  I was at a party and my dad was flying over the party doing all kinds of tricks.  It was near the end so he made the wings of the jet go back and forth to say 'goodbye', the end.  Then he flipped the jet upside down and flew across with it like that.  Then out of nowhere it just crashed.

All of the sudden I was at the base and I took off running towards the accident.  It seemed to be a drill weekend because there was a bunch of people there.  These guys kept trying to hold me back and they said, "Kaitlin, this is not something that you want to see" and I kept saying, "Please I have to go, please let me go".

I finally get to the accident and my dad and the jet are gone and I am in a little room with all of his things.  (My dad has a ton of things from his past, all kinds of neat treasures that have been passed down)    In the room there was stuff from his racing days, important coins and just random things.  I started ripping all of the pictures down and trying to take everything that I could.  I knew that my dad was gone and I didn't want someone else to go through his things.

Then my dad was there and he started talking to me.  He said things like, Kaiti it's going to be okay.  I am fine and you guys will be fine.  Don't spend time thinking about this you just need to move on with your life.  These things aren't what's important but I want you all to have them.  etc... Then my uncle appeared and he said it's crazy to think that all you have been through and a freak jet accident is what took you.  we all sat there and agreed that is was weird.  Then another one of my uncles appeared and he had letters that he had written to his kids and that his kids had written to him and he said, You know what Tony, we never had a relationship like you have with your kids.  The things that you guys say to each other and the things you guys do together, we don't have those kinds of memories.

And I woke up in tears.  I was rolling back and forth across my bed and I was sad.

My brother had a game this morning.  When I got there I went over and told my mom my dream and I started crying again.  She said, "Kaitlin, you should write that down.  When I had the dream about my dad I didn't write it down and I couldn't tell anyone because it hurt so much and now I can't remember exactly what he said."  (My mom has lost both of her parents in the past 5 years and she really struggled with it.  She had a dream a few months ago where her dad came to her and said, "Mar, you have had time to grieve but it's time to move on.  We don't want you to spend your life thinking and missing us.  We are here and in a better place where we are both healthy and we love it.")

So I wrote it down and I cried again while typing it.